(Photo courtesy/atlantafalcons.com)I had imagined this whole blog about the Falcons 2008 schedule. But regardless of whether Matt Ryan is leading the offense, or Glenn Dorsey is leading the defense, does anybody care that Atlanta is opening at home against the Lions?
Thank God for Brian VanGorder. (Didn't expect that to ever come out of my mouth, did you?)
In an Associated Press piece written by George Henry, VanGorder found a way to paint himself as a football journeyman searching for steady work, and most important, a settled life for his caravaning family.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
When you look a little deeper at what VanGorder said in the article, you see that he's less like a leader of one of the lost tribes of Israel, and more like a teenager job-hopping between summer jobs.
I looked online through Rosetta Stone, Babelfish, even Muzzy, but couldn't find any literal translation software to accomodate the task at hand.
So I invented my own BS-to-English Dictionary and Phrase Book specifically for VanGorder.
It took hours of hard work (actually about five minutes, with breaks in-between to listen to W. stumble over his introduction of Pope Benedict XVI. "Welcome to Amurika, your Holy Sepulchur-ness. I would greatly enjoy an opportunity to break bread with you, but you know we use Texas Toast at the White House instead of those little wafers. Don't mess with Texas.")
Let's take a look at what VanGorder said, and then see what he really meant:
No. 1: ‘‘What we’re looking for is to help our players understand the terminology of the scheme. We want them to be able to (get to) the ball and not be paralyzed by a new language.’’
Translation: Dear Mr. Belichick, by simply looking at my use of words like "terminology" and "language," it's easy to see that I am more than qualified to be your linebackers coach. I also like cut-off pullovers, and wear them regularly during my morning jog.
After holding six different jobs for five teams over the past four years, including one season as head coach of the Georgia Southern Eagles, VanGorder bailed on the Falcons Dec. 19 to take the defensive coordinator's post at South Carolina, only to leave four weeks later to return to the Falcons as their new defensive coordinator.
No. 2: ‘‘You know, as I look at my career, I made one questionable decision, but I still look at that as a positive. It was a good experience. Wherever you are, you meet good people, and I choose to look at all these experiences as being positive.’’
Translation: I'm a chameleon. You ever seen one of 'em? They can be anything they want. I heard one time a chameleon turned into a large order of McDonald's french fries, but had to change back because it contained trans-fatty oils.
You have to be ready for change. Just like I changed Georgia Southern from perennial playoff contender to door mat in one season. But who am I kidding, I got tired of talking to the old men at Snooky's, and the college crowds at El Sombrero made it impossible for me to relax in front of my plate of chiles rellenos. And the only guy I liked was the door greeter at the Super Wal-Mart.
No. 3: ‘‘My situation last year was one that I just didn’t have any control of with Bobby leaving. The tough thing for me as a father of my five children, we’ve had to move around, change schools and my wife’s had to start anew in communities with friendships and those sorts of things. Coaching football is coaching football. We can really do that anywhere, but my family — that’s the part that’s been really difficult.’’
Translation: Sure I may have spent the last six months sleeping on the sofa in the movie room of my 7,000 sq. ft. Gwinnett home, but in the end: It's all about the caysh!
No. 4: ‘‘Fortunately, being in the Jacksonville system, it’s not a difficult transition for me. From where I stand and from where my eyes are, I’m a little bit on the run because I’ve been so focused on linebackers.’’
Translation: I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. In fact, just the other day, I had to borrow my son's copy of Madden NFL '07 to figure out what "Cover 2" meant.
No. 5: ‘‘It’s a privilege to work in the National Football League. It’s a privilege to coach football for a living. I love it out here.’’
Translation: Here, I got 25, 25, 25, 25. Do I hear 30, 30, 30, 30? 30, 30, 30? I got 30. Do I hear 35, 35, 35, 35?
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